Picture this: You and your partner used to tear each other's clothes off at the drop of a hat. Now? The most action your bedroom sees is Netflix binges and separate scrolling on your phones. If that hits too close to home, you might be creeping toward a "dead bedroom", that dreaded phase where intimacy fizzles out, leaving resentment and frustration in its wake. A dead bedroom isn't just about zero sex; it's a symptom of deeper issues in your relationship. 

As relationship expert Esther Perel notes, "Heart to heart disconnection is the issue. Because connection is the foundation of intimacy. Not sex. Sex is a by-product. Not the main course."  But the good news? Spotting the signs early can help you reignite the flame before it's too late. In this post, we'll break down five red flags that your sex life is on life support, woven with insights from top experts. If more than a couple resonate, it might be time for an honest chat (or a spicy date night).

Remember when "Netflix and chill" actually meant something steamy? If your intimate encounters have dropped from weekly romps to once-in-a-blue-moon obligations, that's a classic warning sign.

It's not about hitting some arbitrary number (everyone's libido is different) but a noticeable decline without discussion is trouble.Why it happens: Life gets busy with work, kids, or stress, but if one partner is always "too tired" while the other feels rejected, it builds walls. Sex educator Emily Nagoski emphasises that "If you have sex because you have to or you feel like you're supposed to, you won't have much sex and you probably won't enjoy it when you do."

Pro tip: Track it subtly for a month. If it's less than what feels satisfying for both of you, address it head-on. As John Gottman advises in his work on sexless marriages, start by "lovingly talking about the sex you aren't having" and mapping steps toward sensual reconnection, like scheduling non-pressure touch sessions.  Communication is key - maybe try scheduling "us time" like you would a meeting.

Esther Perel warns that "It's hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy," highlighting how losing that independent spark can dim affection overall.  

Spot this early by noticing if compliments feel forced or if cuddling on the couch turns into side-by-side silence. To fix it, start small: hold hands during walks or send flirty texts. Rebuilding non-sexual affection can naturally lead back to the fun stuff, as Gottman suggests in his tips for rekindling passion: "Hold hands more often" and "allow tension to build" before jumping straight to sex.

If bringing up your sex life feels like defusing a bomb: tense, awkward, and something you'd rather dodge - that's a huge red flag. Healthy couples talk about desires, boundaries, and fantasies openly.

In a dying bedroom, these chats either spark defensiveness or get shut down with "Everything's fine!"This avoidance often stems from fear of judgement or unresolved grudges. Maybe one partner feels unappreciated, or there's unspoken resentment from other areas of the relationship. Perel probes this with questions like: "When you love someone, how does it feel? And when you desire someone, how is it different? Does good intimacy always lead to good sex?"

Break the ice with low-pressure questions like that, or explore resources together, like podcasts on intimacy. Ignoring it only lets the gap widen. Nagoski adds that true desire emerges when "the sex is worth the time and effort," so discussing what makes it enjoyable is crucial.

Sex thrives on emotional closeness, so if you're feeling disconnected, like ships passing in the night, your bedroom is probably suffering too. 

Signs include bickering over small things, lack of deep conversations, or prioritising everything (work, friends, hobbies) over quality time together.

Emotional drift can come from external stressors, but it kills desire fast. If you're not sharing laughs, dreams, or vulnerabilities any more, physical intimacy feels forced or empty. As Perel explains, "Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energised by it."  

Combat this by carving out device-free time each day. Gottman stresses that fostering "fondness and admiration" through small appreciations can rebuild intimacy and lead to better passion. 

Therapy or couples' retreats can help if it's deep-rooted; don't wait until the bedroom is fully flat lined.

"Headache tonight?" "Too much work stress?" If excuses for skipping intimacy pile up like laundry, it's a sign things are heading south. Sure, everyone has off days, but consistent avoidance, whether through late nights at the office, endless scrolling, or picking fights, points to bigger issues.

This often masks underlying problems like mismatched libidos, body image struggles, or even infidelity fears. Nagoski reminds us that "There's nothing sexier than being a priority," so if distractions always win, it's time to reassess. 

Pay attention if distractions (TV, phones, chores) always win over connection. To turn it around, set boundaries like a no-screens-in-bed rule and focus on mutual pleasure. If it's persistent, consider consulting a sex therapist—they're pros at uncovering the root cause without judgement, as experts like Gottman recommend scheduling sensual time to ease back in.